Weeds
by Stokrot
Summary: How to move on when you have risked it all and now you feel that you have lost everything? That you are nothing more but a weed in the wind? Yumichika's reflections during his stay in the Fourth Division after the final battle.


**Weeds**

It hurt. In spite of what these bullies from the Eleventh Division might say, pain was not beautiful. Yet, right now, Yumichika was almost happy he felt it — it meant that he had survived.

He strained his ears. It was quiet… very quiet, except for the far sounds of a hustle. He furrowed his eyebrows. Where was he?

He raised his heavy eyelids. A white ceiling and white walls. Little furniture: just a chair and something that look like chest of drawers against the opposite wall. He couldn't tell for sure; for some unknown reason his vision was still blurred. On the left he could see a door, left ajar, and on the right — a half-curtained window. It was sleeting outside; not a beautiful sight at all.

He sighed quietly and once again closed his eyes. The simple interior suggested the Fourth Division's barracks, and, considering the pain he was in, this was the logical conclusion. The next question was: how did he get here?

He squeezed his eyelids shut, trying to gather his thoughts. His mind was filled with chaotic, incoherent images, and he couldn't find any anchor point among them. He vaguely remembered… a fight? Yes… Ikkaku had been fighting for sure, Yumichika definitely remembered his Bankai. That meant that his opponent — a terribly ugly Arrancar (Yumichika would feel happy if he didn't remember his looks that well) must have been strong. Actually, as far as Yumichika could recollect, Ikkaku had seemed to be enjoying his fight; his crazy smile Yumichika had noticed at one moment had been proof enough.

And then…

Yumichika bit his lip. He wasn't sure what had happened next, and found it really hard to put together the little snippets of events he could recall. Still, he had a compelling feeling that he had done something he should have better not done. But what could it…

Oh.

Oh, crap. Was… was it really possible that he had interfered in Madarame's fight?

He gulped hard. As far as he could tell from his blurry memories, that was exactly what he had done. And it explained a lot, on top of that. His own wounds, for example.

He breathed out slowly, and smiled wryly to himself. So he'd done it. Now Ikkaku would surely want to kill him or at least give him a sound beating. Well… not so great a price for saving his best friend's life.

If Ikkaku was alive.

A cold shiver ran down Yumichika's back. He took it for granted that Madarame had to be safe and sound. Alright, maybe not exactly sound, considering the circumstances Yumichika had last seen him in; nevertheless, the he was pretty convinced that his friend was going to get well in no time.

What if it was different? What if…

His hands clenched on the covers. He didn't even want to consider such an option. Ikkaku was alive, and it couldn't be any different; after all, so far he had managed to get off worst plights safely. Still, Yumichika couldn't fully exclude the possibility of Madarame's condition being graver than he thought.

He opened his eyes, suddenly determined. He had to know it, here and now. All he had to do was rise from his bed and find somebody well-informed — which seemed a pretty easy task, considering that he found himself in the Fourth Division's hospital. He shouldn't have any problems to do it…

He tried to get up and almost cried, feeling a sharp pain in his leg. He sank to his bed, breathing heavily. That would be all for his attempts to go anywhere…

Yumichika frowned. He didn't feel like waiting; he had never liked it, especially not in the situations like that. It seemed, however, that this time he didn't have a choice…

He sighed quietly, shifting into a more comfortable position, and realized, much to his surprise, how much effort it took to move. Was he more weakened than he could assume…?

He let his eyelids fall down. Not beautiful… Not beautiful at all… Ikkaku would surely scold him for that…

Ikkaku… Hopefully, he was safe… After all, he had to get his revenge on Yumichika for having him interfering into his fight… He wouldn't be able to give him a beating, having one feet in the grave…

Yumichika smiled weakly. No… Ikkaku wasn't going to give up that easily. There was no need to worry…

_Besides_, he thought suddenly, _where was the other world for the Shinigami?_ He had never wondered about that, and there certainly had to be one…

He knitted his brows. Surely, after a moment's thinking he would…

He fell asleep.

* * *

He was awakened by the touch of someone's cool hand on his forehead. Yumichika didn't open his eyes; it felt good and comforting to know that somebody was watching over his sleep and wouldn't let anything bad happen to him. Yet, as his mind was getting clearer, the feeling of safety had to give way to other, more important matters. Such as…

Ikkaku. He had to know if his friend was fine. The sooner, the better.

He tried to speak and realized that his throat was bone dry. He winced slightly. What an embarrassingly unattractive situation…

He felt the hand leave his forehead; moments later a slender arm slid under his head, lifting it gently. Yumichika felt a rim of a cup against his lips and tasted the water. It was like an epiphany; he drank up ravenously, yet trying not to choke as it wouldn't be too beautiful.

'Thank you,' he whispered once he finished drinking, only a little hoarsely. The cup was taken away, and the arm slid out from under his head, letting in fall back on the pillow.

'I'm glad you have finally returned to us, Ayasegawa-san,' came a soft, solemn reply. Yumichika furrowed his brows. The voice sounded familiar, yet he couldn't place it. What he could tell for sure was that it didn't belong in the Fourth Division…

He forced his eyes open, though it turned out to be quite a task, and the next moment they widened in surprise. On the chair next to his bed sat…

'Kira…? What are you…'

'Whatever I can,' Kira Izuru from the Third Division broke in calmly. All of a sudden Yumichika felt ashamed. How could he ask such a brusque question at all? Besides… Kira was a skilled healer. It had been him who had tended Ikkaku's wounds after his defeat during the battle in false Karakura. No wonder that he was helping the Fourth Division's healers now. Yumichika suspected that an extra pair of hands was more than welcome…

_Weren't you going to ask him something?_, his inner voice scolded him. Yumichika came to his senses. Right…

'Kira,' he began. 'Please, tell me… Ikkaku… How… How is he…?'

It didn't sound too eloquent, and suddenly he came to realize that the left side of his face hurt. It definitely didn't make talking any easier. Well, in this situation he would have to swallow his pride and silence his exuberant aesthetic sense. He wanted… He had to know.

Kira furrowed his ever-knitted brows a little more.

'Madarame-san is quite well,' he replied in the same polite, calm tone as before. 'He's gradually regaining his strength. Truth to tell, you have made us worry a lot more, Ayasegawa-san…'

Yumichika blinked in surprise. He… made them worry?

'What do you mean, Kira?' he managed to ask. His left cheek really hurt, and it felt rather unpleasant. And a bit disturbing as well, if he was to be honest with himself.

The Third Division's Lieutenant eyed him for a while, before he spoke.

'You were very weak, Ayasegawa-san. I dare say… dying.'

'D-dying?' repeated Yumichika, stunned, but not frightened. Death wasn't anything new to the Eleventh Division's members and it didn't arouse fear in them.

And, though he could barely believe what he had been just told, Kira wasn't a kind of person who would make jokes about so serious matters. Yumichika gulped.

'How…?' he asked, his voice unexpectedly weak. Once again Kira stayed silent for a moment.

'I can only tell you what I know myself, Ayasegawa-san,' he finally replied. 'I heard that when you had been found, your Reiatsu had been almost spent… and nobody had been able to tell why. Just as if you lost your will to live for some reason,' Kira's voice quivered a little at these words, 'and then suddenly regained it. Though this wound,' he nodded towards the covers, and Yumichika realized that he meant his leg, 'is not something to be taken lightly. If the cut was any deeper…'

Yumichika closed his eyes for a bit, trying to comprehend all he had heard, and then opened them rapidly when a thought struck him.

'Ikkaku didn't… I mean, he didn't try to… He didn't cause any trouble?'

'Madarame-san was unconscious,' explained Kira calmly, 'which was advantageous to you both. They say the first thing he demanded after he regained consciousness was for Captain Unohana to personally take care of your fa-…' Kira trailed off suddenly, and it was a reaction so different from his current behavior that it drew Yumichika's attention at once — and increased his anxiety.

'My… face?' he asked slowly. 'What happened to my face, Kira?'

Kira Izuru didn't answer. Yumichika's hand shot up in a split second, grabbing a handful of the Lieutenant's kosode.

'What's wrong with my face?' he demanded, but Kira remained silent. Yumichika, feeling cold fear rising in his gut, raised his other hand to touch the strangely tender left cheek. His fingers touched the coarse surface of a bandage.

He went pale. That was much more devastating than hearing that he was close to death. Wounded in the face… Marred?

What was more others had also seen him in this miserable condition. What could be more humiliating?

He looked away to avoid Kira's gaze, but it didn't help. He could feel the Lieutenant's eyes on him all the time. Once again he gulped, hard.

'You've seen…'

'No,' Kira cut in, quietly, but firmly. 'I haven't, Ayasegawa-san. However, if it is any consolation to you, Captain Unohana accepted Madarame-san's request… so it would be better if you held back jour judgment till we take the bandages off.

Yumichika bit his lip. He felt a mixture of relief (Kira hadn't seen his wound, and it had really been Captain Unohana who had tended it, then maybe he shouldn't lose hope just yet), despair (after all, it was his priceless beauty at stake — maybe already lost forever) and fear (how serious and, what was more important, how big was the wound? And would the scar — the scar! — be noticeable?).

At the same time he realized that in Kira's voice he hadn't heard something he feared the most. There hadn't been even one single note of false consolation or contempt in it. The Third Division's Lieutenant's words were calm and rational; the words of someone who knew he was right. Indeed, Yumichika had to admit that Kira's judgment was really reasonable, and, in spite of his fears, he managed to calm down a little. He sighed quietly. Actually… how could he have been so reckless to let something like that happen? He had never let anyone wound his face, so why…

_Because you were so busy__ saving Madarame that you didn't even notice. And remember, you managed to save him just because of my help._

Yumichika furrowed his eyebrows. Ruri'iro Kujaku?

Ruri'iro Kujaku…!

Weren't it for Kira's presence in his room, Yumichika would have jumped to his feet. Still, according to his private hierarchy, showing agitation was definitely not beautiful. Instead, he drew a deep, wheezy breath.

He remembered. At the memory of his peacock Zanpakutō the images, up to now chaotically floating in his mind, suddenly found their places, showing him the complete, coherent and detailed version of events that had accompanied Ikkaku's battle. The events Yumichika's true Shikai had played a key role in.

No way. It was absolutely, one hundred percent impossible and unacceptable. And yet… real.

Might all guardian deities have him in his care!

He was finished. The door of the Eleventh Division was forever closed to him; there were no Kidō using weaklings in the ranks of the strongest fighting division of the Gotei 13.

Moreover, he had used that accursed thing to save Ikkaku. Madarame would definitely kill him. Unless Yumichika himself chose the honorable way and…

He drew his lips into a tight line. He didn't want anyone to see him right now; yet Kira was still gazing at him and, to tell the truth, he had all the right to do so as a healer. Yumichika sighed inwardly. What he was about to do might seem ungracious, still…

'Leave me be, Kira. Please, live me alone.'

Maybe… Maybe Kira would think that he was still worried about his face. After all, it was quite likely under current circumstances; everyone in Seireitei knew how much Yumichika cared for his looks, so he had all the right to react violently, didn't he? And Kira… Kira couldn't suspect anything; he had no reason to. Unless he'd gotten to know something during Yumichika's treatment…

Yumichika felt his heart in his mouth and his insides twisting. _I get paranoid_, he thought bitterly. _This is the price of hiding the truth for all these years… _What was more, he'd always despised liars…!

'Of course, Ayasegawa-san,' the ever-calm voice of Kira broke him out of his reverie. 'Please, rest. I will check on you later if you need something.'

Yumichika silently nodded, his face still half-buried in the pillow. He heard soft steps and a quiet sound of closing the door.

He let out a painful sigh. He was left alone with his suffering and sense of worthlessness — and there was nothing beautiful in it.

* * *

He wasn't sure for how long after Kira's leave had left he had just lain there, unmoving; his left cheek snuggled into the pillow, and his unseeing gaze fixed on the view outside the window. At first, he had been slowly giving up to the despair; after all, the whole world he knew had fallen to ruin in a split second, and it wasn't something that happened every day. What was more, his vivid imagination kept putting more and more scenarios of the possible future events into his head, and any new worse than the previous one. However, to a greater or lesser degree, all of them concentrated on the moment when the black sheep, that Yumichika would surely become in his companions' eyes, would be expelled from the Eleventh Division, and on the circumstances surrounding it. True, Captain Zaraki wasn't an eminent orator, therefore there wouldn't be any crushing speech, but, for example, a beating from Madarame seemed more than possible. If only Ikkaku still considered him a worthy opponent. It was a common belief in the Eleventh Division that Kidō users were cowards without honor (though, strangely enough, no-one ever mentioned that fact in Captain Kuchiki's presence); therefore, it was a disgrace for a true warrior to fight against someone like that.

Yumichika's fingers tightened on the covers again. His prospects didn't look attractive by any means…

And… what then? What was there for him to do once the Eleventh Division would purge its ranks of a disgrace he'd become to them? He hadn't given it a thought yet; still, it was dubious that he would remain in the Gotei 13. He couldn't imagine himself in another Division: though his looks and Shikai might contradict it, he'd always seen himself as a one hundred percent member of the Eleventh Division, a warrior to the core. Moreover, there was also the matter of… the public opinion, or rather the not quite public one. As in any bigger group of people, there were some in the Gotei 13 who liked to gossip. Yumichika wasn't that optimistic to assume than nobody except Ikkaku had noticed or felt him interfering into Madarame's fight. One of Ruri'iro Kujaku's major flaws — putting aside its true nature, unacceptable for a brave and manly warrior under Captain Zaraki's command — was its flashiness, both in visual and Reiatsu aspects. The chances that no-one had noticed such a large scale attack were more or less the same as the possibility of Ikkaku growing his hair and wearing them braided. Plainly speaking: none. It was only a matter of time before unconfirmed information concerning Yumichika's Zanpakutō went about Seireitei. And he definitely didn't wish to be the conversation topic for bored Shinigami at every corner. He didn't need such additional attractions — the fact he had lost his face, both figuratively and literally, was enough…

He dwelled on that last thought for a while, at the same time remembering Kira's words. _"The first thing he demanded after he regained consciousness was for Captain Unohana to personally take care of your face…"_

Yumichika pondered them carefully. If it was about anybody else but Ikkaku, he would consider this request the last expression of gratitude before definitely breaking all contact. Such behavior, however, wasn't at all like Madarame. If, for any reason, he was to, gently speaking, become prejudiced towards Yumichika, he surely wouldn't make any stupidly noble exceptions like that. Ikkaku didn't approve half measures, feeling every emotion with his whole being; and such terms as "tact" or "propriety" to him were… well, maybe not unfamiliar, but useless. To put it briefly, if Madarame Ikkaku felt furious and resentful, then so it was. That was why the information Kira had passed to Yumichika felt strangely out of place.

Unless there was something he couldn't remember…

He bit his lip. Another unclear shreds of memories loomed in his mind. Yumichika seized them, trying to concentrate: suddenly, he became sure that what he couldn't remember was something really important.

Once again he tried to put the events of that day in order. Ikkaku. The fight. Ruri'iro Kujaku. Despair…

A conversation?

_Yes_, he realized, somewhat to his surprise, after a moment of thought. They had undoubtedly talked. And, as far as he could remember, it seemed that he had told Ikkaku the whole truth. And then…

"_If anyone here is a weak and cowardly fool__, it isn't you…"_

Yumichika's heart suddenly beat faster, almost painfully. Ikkaku didn't blame him. Ikkaku understood and was ready to forgive him… No, he had already forgiven him. And he clearly wasn't going to break off their friendship…

He closed his eyes, feeling a little dazed by this sudden turn of events. He wasn't sure what he really felt: the newly found joy still mingled with pain, and hope with resignation. It was wonderful to know that he count on his friend; still, it didn't change the fact that he would have to suffer consequences of having the wrong type of Zanpakutō. Could he hope that Madarame would side with him in that case as well?

No… He had no right to expect so much. Ikkaku's support was definitely important to him; however, Madarame's fate was inseparably linked to the Eleventh Division, and Yumichika couldn't simply take it away from him… Could he?

He let out a quiet sigh. His mind was becoming hazy, the tiredness and weakness finally taking their toll on him. Kira's advice to rest suddenly seemed like a great idea. Perhaps after a few hours of sleep he would be able to take a better look at things as they were and the possible outcomes…

Sleep. Yes. Maybe it wasn't an extraordinary solution, but at the moment is seemed the most rational one. Especially considering that he would have a lot of time for thinking in the nearest future: from Kira's words he concluded that he wasn't going to leave the hospital any time soon.

He pulled the covers up to his chin. Well, if Ikkaku had personally asked Captain Unohana to tend to Yumichika's wounds, maybe there was still even a slightest chance that everything would remain as it had been before…?

He smiled wryly on the verge of sleep. Hope was truly a strange thing: once awakened, it couldn't be easily quenched.

* * *

When he opened his eyes, a lamp's golden light filled the room, and Kira Izuru once again was sitting on the chair next to his bed. If Yumichika was surprised by this, then only for a moment: after all, the Third Division's Lieutenant had mentioned that he would check on him later, so his presence was something almost natural. Not to mention the fact that Kira looked like someone who treated his promises seriously and would never even think about not keeping them.

And so, Kira Izuru had come that day, and the day after that, and then again, and again — and Yumichika not only got used to his visits, but even started to await them rather impatiently. So far he had never realized that he didn't have any close friends in the Gotei 13, except in the Eleventh Division. He was so used to having Ikkaku by his side that he hadn't noticed that fact ever before. Currently, however, everything seemed quite different. Even though his friend was, paradoxically, in his nearest surroundings — in the same building, in fact — he couldn't just come to see him, probably bedridden by his own wounds. Captain Zaraki and Lieutenant Kusajishi, on the other hand, together with the others, were undoubtedly busy with leading Soul Society out of the state of chaos that the war with Aizen had caused. Even though Yumichika had his doubts about their willingness to do it (after all, restoration wasn't the Eleventh Division's domain; they definitely preferred destruction), he was happy that he could avoid confronting these two for some time. He didn't expect anybody else would pay him a visit therefore he appreciated Kira's company all the more. The young lieutenant — actually, Kira Izuru was younger than Yumichika himself — could be secretive and taciturn, yet even his silent presence was better than utter solitude.

At first, Yumichika had not given much thought to these visits; first and foremost, they brought the diversity he needed during these boring, gray and extremely unattractive days, and they let him forget about the bleak thoughts, even if just for a while. Kira came, changed the bandages, brought the meals (Yumichika insisted on eating by himself — he wished to keep at least little honor), arranged the linens, helped with the everyday's toilet — and did it all with so much tact and gentleness that Yumichika didn't even once feel uncomfortable or humiliated by his current weakness. As a kind of side effect of this status quo, the Fifth Officer had slowly begun to observe Kira more closely.

To tell the truth, he practically didn't know him, though he had heard more than once that Kira Izuru had been designated to his post not because of his qualities, but rather because of his flaws. The calmest, the most quiet, the least noticeable of all the Gotei 13 lieutenants, by some was even considered to be a weakling and a failure, while those a little less strict in their judgments saw him as rather unsuitable for such a responsible function. He knew that much, and he would lie if he said he had thought any different. He had changed his opinion on Kira only after the events in false Karakura. First, tending to Ikkaku's wounds, Kira had proven himself to be a skillful healer — and for that alone Yumichika owed him a debt of gratitude. And then…

Well, what had happened later was even more important from Yumichika's point of view. If Kira had acted any different back then, maybe the current situation would be quite different. Most probably Yumichika wouldn't have to care for his seat in the Eleventh Division; still, he doubted if he would give it any thought, had he been to despair after Madarame's death. That day, upon seeing the resolve in Kira's blue eyes, he had come to his own decision. It was the right way: to sacrifice everything for someone dearest to him, no matter the price he would have to pay.

Yumichika felt he should at least mention that in a conversation with Kira and he had wanted to refer to those events several times already, but every time something had stopped him. Maybe it was because Kira, though kind, was rather impassive towards Yumichika and still kept his distance from him. On second thoughts, the Fifth Officer didn't remember Kira Izuru showing any emotions since their first conversation here, in the Fourth Division. He found it strange — he might not know Kira, he might be thought to be self-centered, yet he was a keen observer. Kira, who had usually looked agitated or even worried, now seemed almost unnaturally calm, which was the best evidence that something had changed. Something must have happened in the final stage of the battle with Aizen that Yumichika couldn't witness, something important enough to affect Kira's behavior…

As well as his looks — for the longer Yumichika observed him, the more he noticed in this field, too. Kira might claim that he didn't feel tired and that he didn't do more than others — and actually such had been his answer when Yumichika had dared to mention it — yet the Lieutenant's unhealthily pale face, dark rings under his eyes, deepening every day, and the slender shoulders, stooped more than usual, spoke otherwise. On top of that, he seemed to have more than enough duties: asked about who was now in command of the Third Division, Kira had answered "me", as if it was the most natural thing in the world; and yet it looked like he was spending whole days helping the healers. One could get rather alarming impression that the Lieutenant, for reasons that only he knew, was trying to work himself to death — but why should he? Was there any connection between that and the previous events in Karakura that Ichimaru Gin had played such an important part in? And was the former Captain of the Third Division really so close to Kira Izuru as it had seemed to Yumichika back then?

Well, he couldn't hope that Kira would just tell him what was ailing him — at least his current behavior did not indicate that — yet he could ask him about what had happened in the battle's final stages and come up with his own conclusions. Especially, that he still didn't know the details of the victory over Aizen; in fact, the only thing he knew was that they had won. Moreover, he was beginning to long for a "real" conversation: of course, they spoke to each other; however, Yumichika couldn't call it a dialogue. It was definitely worth the risk…

The afternoon was rather gloomy; the day before yesterday had brought another weather breakdown, and outside it was sleeting heavily. There was nothing beautiful in it — actually, Yumichika considered it to be the ugliest weather phenomenon he had ever seen. What was more, because of the leaden clouds obscuring the sky, the rooms were dim, even though it was still early. In the Fifth Officer's room the dusk was dispersed by a lamp, which Kira'd lit just after his arrival. Its warm light somehow raised Yumichika's spirits, letting him forget about the weather's whims and making the room seem more cozy; yet, even in this soft golden glow he managed to notice that Kira looked even more haggard than his usual self. His dark blue eyes were not only circled with shadows, but also reddened, the slender hands were trembling – slightly, yet visibly – when the Lieutenant was changing bandages on Yumichika's leg. Something had happened — and Kira Izuru clearly tried to hide it. As usual.

Yumichika hesitated for a moment. He wasn't sure if mentioning the final battle would be a good idea under such circumstances. On the other hand, though, Kira might need this conversation, even if he didn't fully realized it or even claimed something to the contrary. Maybe he would be able to help the Lieutenant, depending on what had really happened…

He smiled, a little wryly. It was so much easier to concentrate on the problems of others than on his own…

The bandage slipped out of Kira's nervous hands, falling on the sheets. It was the opportune moment.

'Something's wrong, Kira?'

A reassuring smile — or rather a perfect imitation of it — came on the Lieutenant's face.

'There is nothing to worry about, Ayasegawa-san. The wound is healing we-…'

'I didn't mean myself, Kira,' Yumichika cut in firmly. 'I mean no offence, but you don't look very beautiful today.'

There was no sign of embarrassment, anger or a blush on Kira's pale face upon hearing these words; nothing but this calm, empty smile.

'There's nothing to worry about, Ayasegawa-san,' repeated Kira Izuru in a gentle tone, as if he was speaking to a child. 'I will be alright…'

Yumichika raised his eyebrows slightly. Kira sounded pretty convinced and perhaps he actually believed what he said; still, it was far from reality…

_But it's not __what you wanted to speak to him about_, the voice in his mind reminded consciously. _And you won't get anywhere that way…_

He sighed inwardly. There was no way he couldn't agree with that. It would be too optimistic to expect that Kira would get in the mood for making confessions all of a sudden, no matter what bothered him today. He cleared his throat, realizing that his confidence suddenly vanished.

'Kira…-san,' he began and this time noticed a glint of surprise in Kira's eyes. 'If… If you have no duties right not, could you please… tell me about the battle?'

Kira, who, in the meantime, finished changing the bandages, gave him an inscrutable look, but kept all possible questions to himself. Yumichika was grateful for that; to his own ears this request sounded so pathetic that he barely managed not to wince. Was that supposed to be the attitude of the Eleventh Division's officer?

'I'm afraid I can tell you little more,' the Lieutenant replied in an apologetic tone, 'than that we had won, Ayasegawa-san…'

'Yumichika,' the Fifth Officer broke in almost involuntarily. This was also something he had wanted to make clear for some time already: practically nobody in Seireitei was calling him "Ayasegawa-san", and he felt uneasy when someone addressed him like that. In the Eleventh Division they used their first names and didn't care much for such things as honorifics, the only exception being the officer ranks. Yumichika suspected that the one responsible for such status quo was Yachiru-ch… or should he call her Lieutenant Kusajishi?

The Third Division's Lieutenant nodded in reply.

'Forgive me if I can't return the favor, Ayas-… Yumichika-san,' he whispered, but Yumichika interrupted him with a shake of his head. He didn't demand such familiarity from Kira; to tell the truth, he couldn't remember if anyone in the Gotei 13 called the Lieutenant by his first name. Still, it wasn't the most important thing at the moment. He wanted to know more about the end of the battle and understand what had caused the change in Kira's behavior. He repeated his question. Kira Izuru was silent for a while, his gaze fixed on some undefined spot, before he answered.

'All Captains and Lieutenants have survived,' he said softly, and it took Yumichika a moment to fully understand the sense of these words. He had assumed — too hastily, just like in Ikkaku's case — that Captain Zaraki and Lieutenant Kusajishi were both sound and safe, while their fate could be equally uncertain as the fates of other captains and their second-in-command. Strange that he hadn't asked Kira about them earlier; then again, the answer had seemed obvious to him. Only now he could say for certain that everything was alright and only now he realized how much he could have lost.

And how much he was still going to lose, yet for completely different reasons…

He pushed the thought aside, feeling a stab of pain in his heart. He shouldn't be thinking only of himself right now.

'And… the wounded?' he asked. 'Was anyone… badly hurt?'

The hell, what a strange conversation! Yumichika had the impression that for every word that was said, ten were left unspoken. Why was it so hard to ask Kira directly?

It was even more surprising that this strange and broken dialogue actually worked. Upon hearing the latest question the Lieutenant finally looked at him.

'Matsumoto-san and Hinamori-san still had to heal the wounds from the battle in Karakura,' he explained, this time sounding like a professional. 'Apart from them we have had a few graver cases, but it won't be an overstatement to say that you, Yumichika-san, have been among those in the most serious condition.'

"_Just as if you lost your will to live…" _No wonder he had given up if he hadn't been able to find a reason to survive anymore.

He realized he should better ask another question before he would once again be lost in the dismal thoughts about his fate.

'And…' he hesitated suddenly, unsure how he should put another important matter into words. 'What about… the other side?'

Again Kira didn't reply at once, his eyes distant. Yumichika waited. Patiently.

'Kurosaki-san had won against Aizen Sōsuke,' he said at last. 'And Hisagi-san had…' his voice slightly trembled, 'had killed Tōsen Kaname…'

He broke off. Yumichika became aware that he was holding his breath, awaiting young Lieutenant's next words. Yet, as the silence lengthened, he realized that it was his responsibility to keep up the conversation, and that it was him who would have to say what he had already guessed.

He gulped. It wasn't going to be easy…

'He… He is also… dead, isn't he? Your…' the Fifth Officer cleared his throat, 'Your Captain?'

Yumichika wasn't sure what he expected — a shock, tears, despair? — but definitely not a simple, almost trivial nod. A cold shiver ran down his back.

What was hidden behind Kira Izuru's dispassionate mask? What was lurking beyond the borders of suffering?

Ayasegawa Yumichika knew the pain of losing someone close to him; he'd had a brush with it in Karakura where — oh, the irony! — it had been Kira who had behaved rationally, stopping him from carelessly throwing his life away.

And yet, when the roles had been reversed, Yumichika hadn't been able to do the same thing…

They both had done what they thought had been right: getting in his way, Kira Izuru had saved him from perdition; Yumichika had felt that it would to more good to let Kira act in defense of the one who — now the officer was sure about it — was so special to him. There had been no infatuation in the Lieutenant's eyes, but something deeper and nobler at the same time, as if Kira had known and understood more than others had. Yumichika had realized that he'd had no right to interfere, that in this it had not been for him to decide. He had stepped aside, letting Kira act according to what his heart and conscience had told him, as if he himself had suspected that…

'G-… Captain Ichimaru wasn't traitor, Yumichika-san…'

The officer started upon hearing these words, but he was less surprised by the essence of them than by the fact that Kira had actually managed to say it out loud. Somehow, Yumichika had expected it; on that fateful day in Karakura he had come to a conclusion that Kira would have never become attached to someone evil to the core. And he would never be willing to sacrifice his life for someone like that.

Still, no matter which side had Ichimaru Gin actually been on and whoever had killed him, it didn't change the fact that Kira was suffering. Yumichika recalled once again what he himself had felt upon seeing the collapsing pillar in Karakura, and a wave of compassion washed over him. After all, Ikkaku was still alive! How much worse Kira had to feel? And to think that he was trying to hold it all inside… Why did he want so much to pretend that everything was alright…?

He looked at the Lieutenant sadly. Kira was still sitting on the bed, a vacant expression on his face. Just what was he thinking about? Was he recalling what'd happened during the battle again?

Yumichika creased his brows. He might understand Kira better than anyone else; still he felt that no matter what he would say to console the younger man would sound shallow and trivial. Nevertheless…

'I'm so sorry, Kira…' he whispered. 'Truly sorry… Maybe… If you would like to t-…' he began when a sudden thought hit him. The Third Division's Lieutenant didn't let him finish.

'I'll be alright, Yumichika-san,' again the same words, repeated as a mantra. 'Don't worry about me… You have enough troubles already…'

Upon hearing these his words the Fifth Officer looked up abruptly, feeling as if someone stabbed him with a sword. Could Kira know more than he was showing him? But no… one look at the Lieutenant was enough to understand that there was no malice in his words. Yumichika dropped his gaze.

'Still…'

'I'll be fine, Yumichika-san,' Kira assured him, but there wasn't even a single trace of comfort in his dull voice. He rose, preparing to leave. 'I promise.'

Yumichika's eyes narrowed. He could hardly believe this promise; still, it seemed he couldn't count on more yet. He sighed inwardly.

'Take care, Kira,' he added when the Lieutenant opened the door. Kira cast him another impenetrable glance, looking for a moment as if he wanted to say something — but finally left without a word.

Ayasegawa Yumichika was once again left alone with his thoughts.

* * *

During the next few days the Fifth Officer came to the conclusion that, to tell the truth, their conversation had changed very little. Of course, now he understood more, yet it had no actual consequences. He was still thinking over Kira's plight, in which the young Lieutenant clearly couldn't find himself, but he didn't come up with any ideas how to help him.

What was more, as Kira Izuru has so reasonably pointed out, Yumichika had his own troubles. They had escalated with every passing day to reach their culmination the morning Kira had come to take the bandages off his face.

Yumichika had expected it to be a rather unpleasant event; still, he had hoped that he would be able to prepare himself for it, even if just a little. Having to face the facts, however, he had suddenly felt that he would gladly delay this moment for as long as possible.

Nevertheless, there had been no turning back; so the bandages had been removed, and Yumichika had firmly demanded a mirror (his voice almost hadn't trembled). Kira had fulfilled his request without a single comment — yet another reason to be grateful to him — and the Fifth Officer had finally had the chance to see the devastation of his beauty caused by that accursed Arrancar.

He had given his reflection a long and scrutinizing look. It didn't look too well — actually, it didn't look good at all — still, in Kira's presence he had tried to keep the, nomen omen, appearances. Only after the Lieutenant had left, Yumichika had let out a painful sigh. He remembered what he had promised to Ikkaku: that he would not try to hide the scar, but now he could clearly see that it wasn't going to be easy. What he had seen in the mirror was… well, definitely not beautiful. Yumichika truly doubted if others would be able to look at him any different than with a mixture of pity and disgust.

_There aren't that many people wanting to see you lately_, Ruri-iro Kujaku cut in insolently. Yumichika immediately told him to shut up; he had to admit, however, that for once his accursed Zanpakutō was right. Except for Kira and some unseated members of the Fourth Division, nobody visited him, and he still had no news from Ikkaku.

It only induced more unpleasant thoughts. What if Madarame changed his mind after all…? Just like Yumichika, he had enough time for thinking and might have reached a conclusion that he didn't want to be a friend of some weak Kidō user…

And even if he didn't change his mind, maybe he wanted to distance himself from Yumichika to make their future parting easier? Yumichika was becoming more and more certain that he would have to leave the Eleventh Division because of what he had done; no matter what his reasons had been. Of course, he didn't regret his decision; still, that didn't make the consequences any easier to bear. He knew that together with his seat in Captain Zaraki's division he would lost his place in the Gotei 13… that he would most probably have to leave Seireitei… What awaited him? Was loneliness in Rukongai's dirty streets all that he had in prospect…?

He closed his eyes for a moment. In his case loneliness was usually related to abandonment and the sense of injustice. Yet this time… well, it was him who could be called a traitor…

Yumichika turned his face towards the window. He had to admit that the weather reflected his mood quite accurately: low, gray clouds covered the sky and the outside world was veiled by the thick curtain of rain. Withered weeds growing by the window swayed back and forth in the gusts of wind, hitting the rain-covered panes again and again.

Of course, there was also so-called 'honorable way'. Yumichika smiled bitterly at the thought. So far, he had never considered it, but maybe it was also an option he should take into account. It would at least let him solve the matters once and for all…

He sighed, looking at the windblown and rain beaten stalks outside his window. _Just like a weed_, he thought suddenly. Useless, noxious even, and spoiling the perfect harmony of a garden. A weed that had to be removed… pulled up by the roots.

It hurt; more than wounds, more than his maimed vanity. Maybe if the roots didn't reach so deep into his heart…

Yumichika squeezed his eyelids shut, trying to fight back the tears. The pain was unbearable; yet, he wasn't a child. He still was the Fifth Officer of the Eleventh Division. He should keep at least the remnants of his pride, even if there was nobody who could see him. Even if all he wanted was to curl into a ball and cry his heart out, no matter how unmanly and unbeautiful it was.

He was to lose everything and he wanted to accept his fate with honor. And, if possible, with a smile on his face.

Unexpectedly his thoughts wandered back to Kira Izuru, who'd also had what was most precious to him pulled out of his heart. Since their conversation Yumichika could not overlook the pain the young Lieutenant was in; not when he felt likewise himself.

Was Kira torn by similar emotions? Did he feel equally lonely, helpless and deprived of his own place in the world? Did he also see himself only as a worthless, unwanted weed…?

Yumichika bit his lip. Kira Izuru could at least act and he didn't waste his chance — perhaps he was too responsible to just give up. Still, one way or another, Yumichika was impressed by his attitude. Himself, he couldn't do anything , and right now this feeling of helplessness was even worse than loneliness.

He let out another sigh. If only… If only he was strong enough to move from here, he would use such opportunity at once. He would, for example, go and talk to Madarame; regardless of the result of their conversation, he would at least know that he managed to do something.

_Actually_, he thought, furrowing his eyebrows, _why shouldn't he try? _After all, according to what Kira had told him many times, his wound was healing well, so he shouldn't have much trouble standing. Moreover, he still was a warrior — an officer! — of the Eleventh Division, not some crybaby from the F-… not a crybaby, anyway. And warriors weren't supposed to lie in bed and whine in such an unbeautiful manner. Warriors were supposed to act…

Yumichika tried to sit up on the bed. Pain shot through his wounded leg, but, much to the Fifth Officer's content, it wasn't strong enough to interfere with his plans. He threw aside the covers, and then rose shakily, propping his hand against the bed. Keeping balance wasn't as difficult as he expected. Good…

He smiled to himself. Deep in his heart he felt that he was about to do one of the most foolish things in his life — still, wasn't it what the Eleventh Division was famous for? Captain Zaraki's subordinates were known for their crazy courage, great combat skills and an almost ridiculous attachment to warrior's honor, but definitely not for the tendency to well-considered actions. So far, Yumichika had been an exception to that rule, yet it seemed that his time had also come.

He straightened up and headed towards the door. He would soon know what Ikkaku thought of him…

* * *

He was lying. On a bed. For some reason it seemed… well, unexpected. He had an irresistible feeling that he should be somewhere else at the moment…

Yumichika furrowed his eyebrows. He recalled walking down the corridor; at first it hadn't caused him any problems, but after a while taking another step forward had become more and more difficult. What was more, his wound had begun to hurt really badly, and he had soon realized that he had apparently overestimated his strength. In spite of that, he stubbornly pressed on, driven by his goal and the need to once again prove himself his own worth. And then…

He had no idea what had happened later, which led him to a conclusion — a very unbeautiful one! — that he must have fainted. Why then was he lying on the bed instead of on the hard floor?

He opened his eyes and realized that the room was almost dark. The only light came from a lantern, left on the floor and…

And from the healing Kidō, glowing over his leg. Yumichika blinked a few times and finally caught sight of Kira Izuru's slender form. The Fifth Officer felt ashamed and guilty. He had acted like a complete fool!

'You're awake, Yumichika-san,' Kira looked up from the wound, which had probably opened again — not very surprising after how Yumichika had overexerted himself. 'How are you…?'

How was he? Yumichika tried to concentrate. His leg hurt like hell and, apparently, he was suffering from a vertigo, but his physical condition was nothing compared to how he felt inside.

He was angry. Angry at himself, at his stupidity and lack of responsibility. During the last few days he realized how much effort it took the already weary Kira to heal his wounds, and yet, he might have undone his work, driven by a stupid desire to prove himself and to raise his own spirits.

Indeed, he fitted the Eleventh Division just perfectly. They were the only ones to engage such dimwits…

'Yumichika-san?'

Kira's voice brought him back to reality. He realized that he still didn't reply.

'Fine… I guess…' he whispered, though it definitely wasn't a very witty answer. 'Kira-san…' he added, almost humbly. 'I'm sorry… I've caused you unnecessary trouble…'

The Lieutenant gave him a hard to interpret look.

'Fortunately, nothing really bad has happened,' he said, the poorly hidden weariness evident in his voice. 'You are lucky, Yumichika-san, that your wound has almost healed…'

'I was lucky you appeared in the right place at the right time, Kira,' Yumichika cut in bitterly and almost sharply. There was anger still burning inside him. Otherwise, I might have lain there all night…!'

'I'm sure someone would…'

'Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't,' the Fifth Officer broke him off flatly. 'Stop denying yourself all worth, Kira! Where is your pride?'

No sooner had he uttered these words than he regretted them. Indeed, what right did he have to speak about pride? After all, he was but a…

Weed.

Once again pain shot through his heart. Ashamed, he looked at Kira, expecting him to be offended by his words — everyone would be! The calm and gentle expression he met instead upset him even more. Yumichika understood that the Lieutenant was trying to hide his suffering and maybe even to push it away from himself — but why did he deny himself any other emotions? He had to feel something more, damn it!

Meanwhile, Kira rose from his seat beside the bed.

'If you're fine, Ayasegawa-san,' he said softly, 'then I'll be going…'

'Wait, Kira,' Yumichika's hand grabbed the Lieutenant's wrist before the Fifth Officer had the time to think of it. What now?

Yumichika hesitated. From what he had noticed during Kira's visits up to now, the younger man seemed like someone who would dismiss others' fears and worries about him with a smile and comforting words, even if he was on the brink of exhaustion…

Right now, from the two of them, it was rather Kira who looked as if he needed a healer's care. He seemed as if he was about to pass out, and it was caused only by Yumichika's own foolishness. It was time to fix it.

The Fifth Officer made his decision.

'Kira,' he whispered, seeing how the Lieutenant glances at the door. 'Could you please… stay beside me tonight? I don't want to be… alone…'

What was interesting, he managed not to lie; he was still painfully aware that he hadn't been able to see Ikkaku, although he had tried, and it made him feel even more abandoned. Of course, it wasn't why he had asked in the first place; still, he had already decided not to tell Kira about his true reasons.

Kira Izuru looked at him closely, before slowly nodding.

'If… that will make you feel better…'

'Thank you,' replied Yumichika in a whisper. He was indeed grateful — that Kira was so dutiful and willing to help. Without it the officer's little trick wouldn't work, and this way the young Lieutenant could gain at least a few hours of sleep, which he undoubtedly needed.

'Yumichika-san.' The words were spoken in a serious manner, and the Fifth Officer realized that Kira once again was addressing him as a healer. 'I may also be at fault here… I'm afraid that you might have been mistaken about your condition from what I've told you lately. That is… your wound is indeed healing well, still… you shouldn't overexert yourself so much yet.'

Quite unexpectedly, Yumichika felt a blush creeping onto his cheeks. It seemed that Kira Izuru was ready to blame himself for Ayasegawa's half-baked decisions. He couldn't allow it.

'I know,' he said. 'It's just…'

He trailed off, not sure if he should say more. He didn't want to burden Kira with his problems as well, but…

'I hoped to see Ikkaku,' he admitted frankly. 'I'm stuck here and… still know next to nothing about what happened…'

He didn't know why he was telling Kira all these, and he cast a quick glance at the Lieutenant to see his reaction. The younger man, however, only looked at him from under his ever creased eyebrows.

Yumichika sighed inwardly. He didn't expect an actual answer, so he shouldn't feel disappointed, and yet…

He looked away.

Weeds. Left on their own, each of them too immersed in his own suffering to understand the other's anguish any better…

'It was Captain Unohana's decision,' said Kira all of a sudden, and Yumichika looked at him, surprised. 'I mean, to give you a separate room. She must have come to a conclusion that you would need rest.'

Yumichika furrowed his brows. He hadn't taken such an option under consideration. He nodded.

'I see…'

They didn't talk more; after all, it wasn't what Yumichika wanted. Nevertheless, they sat in silence for a long while, before Kira started to look sleepy; finally, the weariness got the better of him, and he fell asleep in rather uncomfortable, half-sitting, half-lying position on the edge of the bed. Yumichika himself didn't feel very sleepy, but he wasn't in the mood to brood over things any longer. Instead, he closed his eyes, listening to the rustle of rain outside. The downpour had to be dying down, as its sound became weaker…

…and weaker…

…with every passing moment…

…until it faded away completely.

* * *

He realized that he must have fallen asleep when he was woken up by a strange sound. Yumichika opened his eyes. The room was filled with gray light of dawn. What had awakened him?

This very moment Yumichika heard it again. It sounded like… sobbing. He turned his head towards its source and saw the sleeping Kira Izuru.

At first, he was surprised by the sight of the Lieutenant, but soon he remembered the previous events and his request to Kira. Besides, something else drew his attention: the young officer was indeed asleep, but he definitely didn't sleep peacefully. His slender hand gripped the sheets tightly, shoulders were trembling and his erratic breath changing into a stifled sob from time to time.

That explained Kira's red eyes and shaky hands. Was that why the Lieutenant tried to avoid sleeping? What were his nightmares about?

Yumichika feared that he knew.

He focused his full attention on Kira when he realized that he could actually hear words amidst the sobs. A heartbreaking "why?" and "don't leave me again" caught his ear, and so the Fifth Officer's suspicions about what the Lieutenant was dreaming of were confirmed.

He bit his lip, not sure what to do. Kira Izuru undoubtedly needed his rest; still, could a sleep full of nightmares be considered such?

Without a second thought Yumichika sat up on the bed and reached to touch the younger man's shoulder.

'Kira?'

This time Kira's reaction was far beyond his expectations. The Third Division's Lieutenant leapt up abruptly, his breath shallow and wild look in his eyes, until finally his gaze rested on Yumichika. Yumichika himself subconsciously expected that upon seeing him Kira's face would once again become an insufferable, emotionless mask, yet nothing like that happened. Kira Izuru kept looking at him, blue eyes wide open and full of both terror and despair.

'He… He is dead…' he whispered in a faltering voice. 'It's all… It's all my fault… Only mine…'

He cowered, hands clutching his arms. Yumichika gave him a painful look, though he couldn't understand why Kira should blame himself for this death. He decided to stay silent; however; he felt that if he interfered he wouldn't get to know anything more.

'It's my fault…' repeated Kira, sounding even more desperate. 'I should have protected him… I should have saved him… Not the other way round… Not the other way…'

His last words were lost in another barely stifled sob. Yumichika closed his eyes. He had already guessed what he might hear next, and that was what he feared the most.

'He…' Kira Izuru whispered in a heart wrenching tone. ' He saved my life…'

Yumichika squeezed his eyelids tightly shut. So he had been right… And, at the same time, though he wasn't sure why, he once again thought back to the events in false Karakura, as if what had happened there was the key to the current situation…

And it indeed was like that. Just like in the case when he was recalling Madarame's fight, one simple detail made everything clear and decided on his interpretation of the happenings.

Ayasegawa Yumichika remembered not only Ichimaru Gin's golden eyes, but first and foremost the look on his face when Kira's Wabisuke had blocked Hyōrinmaru's blow.

He understood. Kira Izuru wasn't the only one who had been ready to risk everything for his former Captain. Ichimaru Gin had had at least equally important reason to save his Lieutenant, as Yumichika'd had when saving Ikkaku. Who knew, maybe even a more important one…

He looked up, embracing gently Kira Izuru's shoulder, something his heart told him to be a right thing to do. The young Lieutenant was shaking like a leaf, and Yumichika subconsciously expected that the wall around Kira's heart would finally break from overflowing emotions. Yet, nothing like this happened; quite to contrary, Kira slowly calmed down in his embrace and finally had to come to a conclusion that he was doing something improper. He dropped his gaze and instantly moved away at an arm's length. Yumichika sighed inwardly, feeling defeated. Just a moment ago it had seemed to him that Kira's shell had begun to crack, but now it was once again whole and impenetrable…

'Forgive me, Yumichika-san…' the young Lieutenant whispered, his voice still thick, rising from the bed and heading for the door, 'but I think I should leave now…'

Yumichika nodded. He knew that whatever he would say he wouldn't be able to stop Kira Izuru, and it wasn't a beautiful thought at all.

'Sleep well,' he replied in a whisper. The door closed almost without a sound.

He didn't expect Kira to come here again.

* * *

He was all the more surprised when the following morning the door opened and Kira Izuru entered his room, as usual.

This time they didn't need a lamp. The weather was surprisingly nice; for the first time in a few days it neither snowed, nor rained, and the late winter sun shyly pierced the clouds. Everything was misleadingly peaceful.

Kira seemed equally calm, but, as Yumichika already knew, "seemed" was the key word here. Last night he'd had the chance to see for himself how torn inside the young Lieutenant was, and, compared to it, his present unwavering calmness was indeed out of place.

To tell the truth it slowly started to annoy Yumichika.

'Kira,' he began when the Lieutenant checked the bandages on his leg and occupied himself with other things as if nothing had happened. 'He did not die because of you. He died for you.'

Upon hearing these words Kira froze for a moment, yet he emotionlessly finished arranging something on the night table before rising and turning to Yumichika — the usual polite and expressionless look on his face.

Yumichika felt anger welling up in him. The Hollow, how long did Kira plan to hide how he really felt? Maybe in his own opinion he was no-one… maybe he only saw himself as a weed… yet to Ichimaru Gin he had been…

Everything.

Could anyone understand it better than Yumichika?

'_I would never use this technique, even if it meant dying by you__r hand…"_

_Still, if it was about Ikkaku… _

'Kira,' he continued, determined to tell the Lieutenant everything he himself knew about this matter. 'Captain Ichimaru must have decided that your life had been more precious to him than anything else. You must not throw away the choice he had made for you!'

Yumichika broke off when he realized something else; something that didn't concerned Kira but the Fifth Officer himself. Interfering in Madarame's fight he had deprived him of any choice; and now, pondering leaving the Gotei 13 all by himself, he was about to do almost the same. In this moment he understood that he was not allowed to do it; he was not allowed to deny Ikkaku the right to decide independently. He owed him that.

Once again he looked at Kira, who was still gazing at him without a single word, his eyes impenetrable. Yumichika felt he had to say more… something deep inside his heart didn't let him leave this topic, it urged him to dwell on it, to wipe off this mask of calm from Kira Izuru's face, to make his suppressed emotions find a vent…

He took a deep breath.

'Do you really think that he… that Captain Ichimaru would want you to suffer? To blame yourself for his death? He didn't save your life for you to throw it away, drowning yourself in despair! Don't you understand, Kira? All he wanted was for you to live, no matter the price he would have to pay. Even if it cost him his life…!'

_And it ha__s been you, back there in Karakura, who has made me realize that I also have someone like that… But it's not the right moment to mention it… You can't blame himself for that reason as well… _

_I will __pay off this debt, Kira. You have my word. The word of the Eleventh Division's Officer… _

He dropped his gaze.

'I… I know what it means to sacrifice everything, Kira,' he whispered, unwittingly reaching to touch his own scarred cheek. 'I know because… I have done it too.'

He had said it. He had said it and, hell, he didn't feel ashamed at all. He felt no humiliation, nor any other emotion he considered unbeautiful. And this time he received an answer either out of politeness, or curiosity — Yumichika hoped the second option was true — Kira finally spoke.

'What… have you done, Yumichika-san?' he asked cautiously. Yumichika smiled a little wryly, almost against himself.

'I've interfered in Madarame's fight, used my accursed Shikai that is in no way a tool for unattractive chopping the limbs off, let my face be cut and saved his life,' he replied, looking at Kira closely. 'I can say goodbye to my seat in the Eleventh Division,' he added, somewhat bitterly.

Kira looked at him from under furrowed eyebrows, apparently not knowing what to say. Yumichika shook his head with a quiet sigh.

'Kira… Everyone must make their decision.'

For a moment there was a glint in the Lieutenant's eyes, the slightest suggestion of a need to set free the emotions that filled his heart. Yumichika held his breath – but the moment was already gone, and the expression of indifferent politeness returned to Kira's face. This time, however, the Fifth Officer didn't feel resigned — this moment of hesitation on Kira Izuru's part gave him the hope that there was a chance to actually reach to the Lieutenant. That the wall he had surrounded his heart with could be breached. Not instantly, of course, and not without effort — it looked like it was going to be a hard and wearisome road — still, Yumichika was ready to try. After all, he had undertaken even harder challenges in the Eleventh Division and had gotten off them lightly. And towards Kira he was doubly indebted…

'I have to go, Yumichika-san,' the Lieutenant's soft voice broke him out of his reverie. Yumichika blinked and noticed that Kira, though he hadn't moved an inch, was already looking towards the door.

'But of course, Kira… Don't let me keep you… You surely have more than enough duties…'

He wanted to say more, yet he couldn't. Kira only nodded in reply. Yumichika wondered if his joy from a moment before hadn't been too early, but then…

'Yumichika-san.' Kira stopped on the doorstep, looking as if he was thinking something over. He was silent for a while before he continued. 'Yumichika-san… Madarame-san asked me to pass you a message…'

Yumichika gasped, barely believing his ears. Had Kira really…

He felt his heart thumping and hardly regained his composure. It wouldn't be beautiful to react too… violently.

'What… did he say?'

Kira creased his fair eyebrows slightly.

'He said: "Stop your fretting." And: "Either together, or not at all." I thought… you would like to know about it.'

Yumichika closed his eyes, still finding what had just happened hard to believe. Kira Izuru had talked to Ikkaku… It didn't matter if it had been a mere coincidence or if the Lieutenant had visited Madarame on purpose (Yumichika quickly pushed this thought away); what really mattered were the facts. And the fact was that Ikkaku… He…

The Fifth Officers felt tears on his eyelashes and blinked rapidly, trying to hide his emotions. He was an officer. Of the Eleventh Division. He couldn't simply go to pieces in the presence of another member of the Gotei 13. Especially, if the said member was higher-ranked.

Right.

'Thank you, Kira,' he whispered. He was unable to say anything more right now.

Another nod from Kira was the only reply, and the next moment the young Lieutenant left Yumichika's room. The Fifth Officer let out a deep sigh, giving the view outside the window a closer look. He had to admit it was rather dull, but now even the weed, swaying in the wind, seemed beautiful to Yumichika. He knew that Ikkaku hadn't changed his decision in the slightest… that no matter what the future would bring they would remain friends — and, knowing that, he wanted all the more to help Kira, whose predicament was so much harder. The young Lieutenant was alone, and Yumichika wanted to show him, even to a slightest degree, that there was someone who understood him… that he didn't have to feel abandoned and useless… that there was nothing he should blame himself for. Yumichika was determined to put especially this last issue into Kira's head, even if he would have to appeal to force.

He smiled at himself. He would start tomorrow…

* * *

The next day Kira didn't come, but it didn't change a thing in Yumichika's resolutions. He had promised Kira Izuru and himself that he was going to help him, and warriors of the Eleventh Division, who valued their honor, always kept their word. In this respect they were ineradicable. Just like…

Yumichika smiled slightly.

Just like the weeds.


End file.
